Melissa: Each one of these Raspberry Pi units is running Asterisk and some autodialer code that I wrote, and I’ve been sneaking them on to unattended phone lines around the city.
Lain: What do they do?
Melissa: They call every nine minutes and play a sound that is my best approximation of Gilbert Gottfried making tender yet passionate love to a set of off-key bagpipes.
Lain: Dang, Mel, who could possibly deserve that?
Melissa: Let’s see… Trump hotels, landlords who’ve kept my security deposit, CANIPRE, Patent Trolls, Steve, Oracle, people who use single character variable names, teenager with luxury sports cars, and anybody who’s ever used the term “alpha” unironically to describe themselves.

Open-Minded Sort: Doesn’t sort at all. The variables are fine just the way that they are. Who are you to judge? (A bunch of numbers holding up signs with slogans like “!=”, “don’t label us”, and “free your memory”)
Libertarian Sort: Every number is made responsible for sorting itself. Note: no working implementations. (An unsorted list with a 3 at the end. “I’m pretty sure I deserve to be here.”)
Rush-Hour Merge Sort: It’s like normal merge sort, but one asshole variable refuses to merge and another one shows up driving on the shoulder.

Quicksort: An O(nlogn) sorting algorithm that recursively contains itself, making it really easy to implement. Only seen in classrooms or whiteboard interviews.
Sort Sort: An O(n*i O(n)) algorithm that can only be used to sort other sorting algorithms.
Dictator Sort: O(n), destructive algorithm that simply removes elements that haven’t already sorted themselves.

Lain: And with a few minor modifications to my hair and make-up, I render myself invisible to face detection algorithms like openCV.
Lain has a brightly colored hair poof and has arranged blue lines of make-up on her face.
Lain: Oh, I see you’re already on board the privacy train.
Milo is wearing a giant orange-and-red striped collar and he has an orange-and-teal lightning bolt painted on his face.
Milo: Hm?
Milo: David Bowie died one year ago today. January 10 is a dark day for music.

Alexa, wake me up at 3AM, yes, ok, yes
Alexa, turn off the lights, yes, ok, yes
Ok Google Text Mom butthole butthole butthole, yes, ok, yes
Xbox bing anal fissure, yes, ok, yes
Alexa play “Melissa’s Cool Hacking Song”, yes, ok, yes
Alexa buy this song, yes, ok, yes
Alexa turn the volume up!
Alexa turn the volume up!
Alexa turn the volume up!
Alexa turn the volume up!

Introducing our exciting new nine-factor auth!

To log in, you need:

• something you know
• something you have
• something old
• something new
• something borrowed
• something blue
• somebody that you used to know
• but you didn’t have to cut me off
• make out like it never happened and that we were nothing

let arr = [];
arr.push(‘it’);
arr.push(‘it good’);
arr.push(‘it’);
arr.push(‘it real good’);

float ON;

let blondie = {};
blondie.me = () => {};
blondie.me();

cs
repeat 100 [fd 100 bk 100]

vowels = [‘a’, ‘e’, ‘i’, ‘o’]
def compare_vowels(str, compare):
for char in str:
for vowel in vowels:
yield compare(char, vowel)

def war():
pass

public class Mine { … }
public class Sweet extends Mine {…}

char* bird;
bird = (char*) malloc(8);
free(bird);

def recursive_walk(sides, fin):
for side in sides:
if side.status == ‘wild’:
fn(side)
recursive_walk(side.children, fn)

try:
tenderness(5)
catch ValueError:
tenderness(1000)

def getDay(n)
is_weekdays.at(n)
end
puts getDay(1)

Walt: There need to be professional associations for software developers - like doctors, lawyers, and engineers have. We could keep frauds and incompetents out and build trust in our professionalism and skill.
Milo: The word does not need more walls, my friend. Code is for everyone.
An explosion happens behind the two of them.
Sparky: Guys, I’m not sure what a fork bomb is, but I can tell you that our microwave is broken and we need new forks.
Milo: Almost everyone.

Og: Og want to eat meat. Just put in mouth, right?
Uk: No! Use fire! Cook meat!
Og: Fire hot! How I not burn hands?
Uk: Use pointy stick! Or use hot rock! Or keep fire in box!
Og: Too many choices! How I pick?
Uk: Dunno
Og: Ok, meat on fire! Now eat, right?
Uk: No! Wait! Let cook! Then add salt rock and flavor leaf!
Og: So in order to eat meat, I need fire and stick and wait and rock and leaf? I just eat meat raw, stupid. Mmmf!
An Og-Like Man, 12016 years later: And that’s why I think that modern Javascript is too complicated.

Bug Types: Beezlebug

The greatest trick the Beezlebug ever pulled was convincing the world it didn’t exist.

Notes: While our users are certain the Beezlebug exists, they are unable to provide proof. May be imaginary, like the SaaSquatch or the Deadlock-ness Monster.

Mating Habits: Can not reproduce.

200 OK
271 Great!
2.99 Hot Dog w/ Relish

301 Moved permanently
302 See 303
303 See 301
307 Moved temporarily
309 Relocated to San Jose
311 Moved emotionally

304 Cached
344 The real HTTP response was friendship all along
348 Hidden, but badly enough to find easily
350 Purchased by Google in 2012. Purpose unknown.
372 Purchased by Yahoo in 2003. Mismanaged into obscurity.

400 You dun’ fucked up.
401 Credentials missing
403 No, dammit
404 Not found
405 Method not allowed
406 Unacceptable!
410 Just went out for a bit to buy smokes - back any day now
418 Teapot (self-explanatory)
429 Cool your jets
431 Your request is too damn big!
451 Your government has deemed this resource a threat to security.
458 Request too sexy

500 Something bad and unexpected happened.
501 Didn’t finish building this bit.
502 NGINX broke
503 Servers currently very on fire
504 Not sure if 502 or 503
505+ Programmers broken

Step 1: Invent an as-yet unheard of Unix variant from the 1960’s.
Melissa: I shall call it… Mel-OS
Step 2: Go to a university website and select a particularly crusty old computing science professor. Generate a GitHub profile using this professor’s name.
Step 3: Using a combination of Photoshop and some basic web publishing tools, fabricate an elaborate backstory for this OS, including fake academic research papers, under the professor’s name.
Step 4: Issue dozens of pull requests to high-profile open-source projects claiming to add Mel-OS compatibility. Each pull request one more link in an elaborate chain that, when invoked together, finally activates the viral payload.
Times Square, New Years’ Eve: A giant banner is displayed with a picture of Milo, reading “I slept with your wife. Call me. I fight you. 1-788-555-9831”
Milo, to Melissa: Why?
Melissa: You didn’t refill the coffee after you poured the last cup.
Milo: This is not a proportionate response!

Cyberpunk 2016 Guy: I’ve got to VR into the Cyberverse before the deckers can crypto through my firewall!
Actual 2016 Guy: Damn these Chinese IPs and their automated vulnerability scanning, they’re filling my logs with garbage!
Actual 2016 Guy: Also I think someone on the bus is doing some kind of Shadowrun cosplay.
Cyberpunk 2016 Guy: I’m gonna hack the Gibson!

The CEO, Miloslav, and Lain are sitting at a “Women in Technology” panel.
CEO: Of course - our company is a great place for women to work. It’s a complete meritocracy, so everybody has an equal chance to succeed - even our two women!
Lain: Actually, it’s
CEO: Oh, I’m sorry, we’re out of time. We’re going to have to get back to you.
CEO: Hey, cheer up. At least we remembered to invite you this year.

Cube Drone: Look, Master-Slave is still a shitty naming scheme for distributed systems that makes light of some very real horrors.
Miloslav: That is the way it has always been. Why make waves?
Cube Drone: Let’s imagine that instead of a garbage collector, we had a process called “brutal dictator” and it rounded up all of your program’s unfit memory to be shot. Would that be okay?
Miloslav: In this situation it is best to keep your mouth shut, convert your hryvnia into rubles, and flee the country.
Cube Drone: We are still talking about programming!

Every Kind of VR Game:

1. Stuff that would be boring in real life.
   Cube Drone: Wow! It’s like I’m really playing Billiards!
2. Weird fetish stuff
   Cube Drone, standing next to a man wearing a cat head and leather gimp suit.
   Cube Drone: I’m not sure what ‘cat-kin group cuddles’ means, but I feel like I have made a mistake in coming here.
3. Games with motion
   A space ship: Space, the final BLEUUUGH

Miloslav: You can use public and private keys for more than just Git and SSH, you know. If you have someone’s public key, you can send them a message that only they can read.
Sparky: But then how do you know which public keys you can trust? Any key could be anybody!
Miloslav: I went to a key-signing party, once. I came with a cryptographic key and left with somebody’s wife. She didn’t want to do GPG stuff at all.

Sparky: You have to check out this sweet game I built!
Sparky: It’s called The Copyright Violatrix! You and Mickey Mouse fight off the cast of Friends while Beatles songs play.
Sparky: This is going to be so popular! I wonder why more people haven’t thought of this!
Cube Drone is rolling his eyes

Cube Drone does nothing for three panels.
“The exciting world of startups”.

Melissa: Each Docker container should just run one process.
Cube Drone: But these containers are hundreds of megabytes each! We’ll run out of disk space before long!
Melissa: Now you understand why the Docker logo is a whale that is also a cargo ship.