I'm really playing the long con with this one.
Step 1: Invent an as-yet unheard of Unix variant from the 1960's.
Melissa: I shall call it... Mel-OS
Step 2: Go to a university website and select a particularly crusty old computing science professor. Generate a GitHub profile using this professor's name.
Step 3: Using a combination of Photoshop and some basic web publishing tools, fabricate an elaborate backstory for this OS, including fake academic research papers, under the professor's name.
Step 4: Issue dozens of pull requests to high-profile open-source projects claiming to add Mel-OS compatibility. Each pull request one more link in an elaborate chain that, when invoked together, finally activates the viral payload.
Times Square, New Years' Eve: A giant banner is displayed with a picture of Milo, reading "I slept with your wife. Call me. I fight you. 1-788-555-9831"
Milo, to Melissa: Why?
Melissa: You didn't refill the coffee after you poured the last cup.
Milo: This is not a proportionate response!
Too far, or not too far enough?
Docker containers take up a lot of space.
Melissa: Each Docker container should just run one process.
Cube Drone: But these containers are hundreds of megabytes each! We'll run out of disk space before long!
Melissa: Now you understand why the Docker logo is a whale that is also a cargo ship.
Docker containers are big. That's the joke.
Vendor code can be tricky. I have a solution.
Melissa: So, post-mortem for last night's outage. I've contacted the vendor and they've promised to push a hotfix soon.But I have a different solution. Walt - take this card. On the card is an address. Take this package to the address. Then run.
Walt: I was almost convicted of domestic terrorism after that glitter bomb you had me deliver, Mel.
Melissa: It's not glitter.
Walt: What is it, then?
Melissa: Glitter and bees!
I've spent this week establishing Warbeard and Melissa as powerful, wise, dangerous, and a little unbalanced. Like.. owls made of lithium.
I made chess better!
Milo, observing Melissa and Lain playing chess: Playing a game of chess, eh?
Melissa: Sort of, but we improved it.
Melissa: Queen to pawn four!
Melissa: Double castle!
Lain: Ha! You activated my trap card! My king evolves into a mecha-emperor!
Milo: Pawn four?
They are about 15 minutes away from a full-blown game of Warhammer
Melissa: So, here's the scam. The app I wrote just logs into tinder with an image randomly selected from a Google image search for "sexy". Anybody who messages her is paired with the next person to message her. Then, it just acts as a proxy, ferrying messages from one horny dude to the next.
<CEO and Milo are on a date.>
Milo: Well, nobody's perfect. Still want to do this?
CEO: (icily) No.
It's also programmed to swap all images transferred with pictures of a loading gif spinning.
Continuous Delivery is important. Also fiber.
Walt: Ugh. We froze production a for a week and now the deployment is taking forever. There's a tonne of changes to push out. Somehow there is code in master that is not ready to be deployed.
Melissa: That's why we keep our deployments regular. If we don't deploy every day our deployments get hard, strained, uncomfortable, and they take forever.
Melissa: Come to think of it, we'd have the same problems if our office didn't have fiber.
I really struggled with the title for this one. I cycled through Continuous Delivery, TeamShitty, and even putting all of the cards on the table with Thinly Veiled Poop Joke.
Come on build, you can do it!
Cube Drone: Come on, build, no whammies, no whammies, you can do it. |
Melissa: Wait, shouldn't you be able to run the whole build locally and know that your build passes before you commit anything? |
Cube Drone: Hey, do I tell you how to do *your* job?
Melissa: Yes. Constantly.
I'm working on rebuilding the backgrounds using a little thing called "perspective". It makes me uncomfortable.
Software developers are like this in real life, I promise
Cube Drone: Hey, if we put an IoT Lightbulb inside the bathroom, we can check whether it's on or off from a web interface. No more wasted bathroom trips when the can is occupied! |
Melissa: Nah - what if someone leaves the light on? We'd need a microphone in there.
Warbeard: Or some biometrics! Lots of people have heart attacks on the john. |
Several revisions later: Milo is wearing a large, clunky "Poop Helmet v7.4".
This is based closely on a very real conversation that we had at work.
Enclosed is a picture
Melissa: Hey, what's that you're working on?
Cube Drone: Letter to Oracle. |
enclosed is a picture of my butt.
While I'm in Europe, my comics will be 100-percent post-consumer recycled content.
Jetbrains recently introduced a subscription model:
Melissa: Hey. What's that you're working on?
Cube Drone: Letter to JetBrains. |
Having introduced a new subscription model for your code editing tools, I'd like to suggest some compelling new features to help get developers on board with subscription fees:
* PyCharm allows developers to charm real snakes
* IntelliJ softly sings code to sleep
* ReSharper writes your code for you
* hold StackOverflow hostage somehow
* arrange an "accident" for Vim and Emacs
* PHPStorm intelligently replaces all PHP with code from randomly selected better language
* All clever puns removed from product names
Have you ever heard of synesthesia?
Walt: Have you ever heard of synesthesia? |
Cube Drone: The lost Russian princess?
Melissa: The person who does my hair and nails? |
Walt: Wait, what?
Cube Drone: The stuff they use to knock you out during surgery?
No, that's Anastasia.
No, that's an aesthetician.
No, that's anaesthetic.
How to decipher dress codes. Hammer pants optional.
How Formal is Formal? A guide for confused programmers who plan to dress like traditional businessmen. |
Casual: Wear whatever your damaged mind desired. Beach jorts! |
Business-Casual: Like "office", but you can trade out any single item for a casual item. (Miloslav is wearing a collared shirt, nice shoes, and hammer pants.) |
Office: Collared shirt. Slacks. Leather shoes. Argyle optional but encouraged. |
Informal/Business: Surprisingly, suit and tie. |
Semiformal/Wedding: Suit and tie or tuxedo. You decide! |
Black Tie/Formal: Full tuxedo. Cufflinks. Cummerbuns. Bo-tie. |
Creative Black Tie: Tuxedo, but also a dinosaur hoodie that covers your face. |
White Tie: Tuxedo with top hat and tails. (Xyzzy: I feel like a circus ringleader.) |
Ceremonial: Maximum fanciness levels achieved. (The President of the Internet wearing a crown, cape, and medals on top of a three-piece suit. )
PAX: Steven Universe costume.
It's been just over a year since the last team portrait.
It's a picture of the whole team. Nobody says anything.
It's been just over a year since the last team portrait. Nobody has grown or changed, but they got everybody in the picture this time, and there's a new hire!
You start a new job and the codebase is a clusterfudge, what do you do?
Melissa: So, where can I check out the build code?
Warbeard: Oh, it's on the build servers. |
Melissa: Yeah, but where do you keep it?
Warbeard: I said, on the build servers. |
Melissa makes a very sour face.
But who builds the build code?
The fix is in! It's (unsurprisingly) Melissa!
Walt: ... and on Thursday, our new Build Engineer will be joining us.
Lain: Wait, we had 3 people who were applying for that. Who'd we get? |
Melissa Nguyen: Continuous Integrator, Ruby Expert, Arduino Hacker, Foodie. What about the other two? |
Athena: Stopped returning our calls when she found out our build was 40,000 lines of Bash. |
Sheik: Much better offer from Amazon
That terrible Bash thing is derived from a true story that is also terrible. The brave buildsman responsible is still alive, but at what terrible cost to his sanity?