Soylent is great at optimizing away the problem of eating, but we can do better
Spokesman: Soylent optimized our human experience, replacing the inconvenience of food with pure chalky, vanilla-scented productivity. Our office-integrated hydroshock shower can clean an entire workforce in under 45 seconds.
Spokesman: Saving you minutes a week with only slightly increased chance of embolism.
Voice from crowd: What about excretion?
Spokesman: We're still working on it, but we had the boys in the lab whip up a new prototype.
The Spokesman moves from behind the podium, revealing that he is wearing giant pants that are laden with jars and hoses.
Spokesman: You would not believe what I can do in these pants.
Most of the parts are still off-the-shelf, though. It's a combination of hammer-pants, jam jars, tubing, some pumps, and an industrial milker.
The recent npm problems, explained by a man who is not a sentient penis
Now, I'd like to start by reassuring everyone that we here at Kik Interactive are real humans, just like you, and not giant dicks.
Kik Interactive asserts sovereignty over the three letters, "Kik", in any arrangement, commercial or non, in perpetuity throughout the universe and time, forever and ever, amen.
This might be what you'd expect from a race of penis people walking amongst the surface-dwelling humans. But we are not penises who walk as men do. We are real human people.
We found some non-commercial entity squatting in the namespace "kik" on npm. Which, as id like to remind you, we own. But after we told him politely to fuck off our property, he said no! He claims that we threatened him with legal action, which is totally off base. We implied it. And it didn't even work!
I dont see how we really had any choice but to repeatedly threaten npm with legal action; and id like to laud their courage in succumbing so quickly to our greasy wheedling.
This is a joke told almost entirely in this man's silhouette. It'd be subtle if it weren't so juvenile.