There should be a professional association for developers!
Walt: There need to be professional associations for software developers - like doctors, lawyers, and engineers have. We could keep frauds and incompetents out and build trust in our professionalism and skill.
Milo: The word does not need more walls, my friend. Code is for everyone.
An explosion happens behind the two of them.
Sparky: Guys, I'm not sure what a fork bomb is, but I can tell you that our microwave is broken and we need new forks.
Milo: Almost everyone.
Everybody trusts lawyers, right?
This is an esoteric joke, even for me.
Miloslav: You can use public and private keys for more than just Git and SSH, you know. If you have someone's public key, you can send them a message that only they can read.
Sparky: But then how do you know which public keys you can trust? Any key could be anybody!
Miloslav: I went to a key-signing party, once. I came with a cryptographic key and left with somebody's wife. She didn't want to do GPG stuff at all.
I wrote the punchline for this first, then just tried to work backwards to fit it into a comic.
This is going to be the best game ever.
Sparky: You have to check out this sweet game I built!
Sparky: It's called The Copyright Violatrix! You and Mickey Mouse fight off the cast of Friends while Beatles songs play.
Sparky: This is going to be so popular! I wonder why more people haven't thought of this!
Cube Drone is rolling his eyes
I'm going to see about doing a press junket! NBC is going to be super interested in what's going on here.
The trick is to take team-building seriously but not TOO seriously
Cube Drone: Our team building exercise is just a picnic? Laaame.
Sparky: Oh - I guess you wouldn't know - Walt can get a bit ... uh... competitive.
Laser Tag - Winter 2015: Walt has his foot on Sparky's chest, a laser tag gun pointed right between his eyes.
Walt: You feel lucky, punk?
Go Karts - Summer 2015: Walt has spraypainted his mouth silver.
Walt: Witness Me!
A lot of my recent comics have had violence as the punchline. I'm going to try to tone that down a little and focus more on hijinx. Lojinx. Various jinxes.
Sometimes you need more than just a revert
Sparky: Could you help me out? I just can't seem to get git to produce a completely clean environment.
Warbeard types: git reset --hard HEAD; git clean -fdx
Sparky: Ok, cool.
Sparky: What's that for?
Warbeard is holding a gas can.
final frame: Warbeard is standing in front of a flaming wreckage.
"Now hand me your passport."
"Uh.. okay. Here you go."
"Why is it made out of glitter and macaroni?"
Slack is nothing new, really
cube drone: ha ha lol butts
sparky: peach emoji
miloslav: off topic, you guys - take it to #random
cube drone: hey, this is a #marketing level discussion at least
lain: I bet that people have been arguing about topic relevance for eons
lain: uploaded an image: a Roman senator saying "by Jupiter! This belongs in the Democracy forum, not in the Justice forum!"
cube drone: what about #random, did the ancient romans have something like that?
lain: uploaded an image: the Roman coliseum
#random is the /dev/null of Slack channels
Getting access to production servers should be hard.
Sparky: How do I get prod credentials?
Milo: You don't.
Milo: You need a keyfob.
Milo: Okay. First you put on meat helmet. Then you go into bear pit.
Sparky: Okay. Now what?
Milo: Then you fight bear.
> distract bear
> remove meat helmet
Meat helmet removed.
Bear is lunging towards it!
> throw meat helmet
Bear tackles you to the ground!
You promptly shit your pants.
You have been eaten by a bear.
Some of our meeting rooms have creative names.
Cube Drone: How did your one-on-one with Milo go?
Sparky: Intense. I need to get a drink.
Cube Drone: Hm. The sweat lodge. That's a curious name for a meeting room.
(Milo is sitting in a hot, wet sauna.)
It was hot in the box with Milo
Sometimes when you're hazing the co-op, the joke can go too far
Sparky (to Cube Drone and Milo): Hey, guys, mail started arriving at my apartment addressed to "Sparky". Are you behind this?
Cube Drone: Ha ha, yeah! Milo has some contacts, we got your name changed from Wen Zhang to Sparky in a few databases.
Sparky: This is from the government.
Cube Drone: Milo has a lot of contacts.
Cube Drone: Oh, Wen Zhang might also be on the no-fly list, now.
Milo: I wouldn't use your passport.
Cube Drone: Don't worry, we made you a new one.
Milo hands over a crudely made passport made with crayon and glitter.
Cube Drone's coffee mug vanishes a lot when I make comics. Gotta watch out for that.
It's wise to nickname your interns
Cube Drone: Hey, Sparky!
Sparky: Could you stop calling me Sparky? I've been here for six months!
Cube Drone: (touching Sparky's face) Sparky, the time has not yet come. One day you will earn your true name.
Until he has a name, our tax return lists Sparky as office furniture.
Code quality has many factors.
Sparky: I don't think my code is compact enough. How do I get better?
Milo: Compact isn't a very good measure of code quality. You have to consider clarity, correctness, performance, testability, shine, bounce, curl...
Sparky: Wait... bounce?
Milo: You should have seen my hair when I was your age. I looked like Vidal Sassoon.
Vidal Sassoon was credited with creating the wedge bob. Now imagine Milo with a wedge bob. It's great, right? Like a giant, angry clown.
Our CEO bought us a book...
The crew are carrying travel gear like backpacks and bags.
Walt: Man, this kickoff is going to be great! Did you all read that book the CEO bought us? I hear he's lined up a talk from the author!
Cube Drone: The one with the graph on the cover that looked like a butt?
Cube Drone: Oh yeah! I totally read it. I am going to agile managementize the hell out of my paradigms.
Lain: I actually read it and it was hot garbage from end to end.
Milo: I found the book very useful. It is cold in my cabin this time of year.
Sparky: We got a book?
Windy Pillows is talking in front of a crowd.
Windy: I am being paid handsomely to be here. Let's look at some stock photography while I read to you from my book.
A Venn Diagram that looks like a butt.
A series of arrows that look like a butt.
A slide selling his next book, "Agile Software Systems" with another butt on the cover.
Windy: As you can see, I spend a lot of my time thinking about Agile.
I chose the name Windy Pillows because it evokes a windbag, and also because it is a fart joke, and also a good name for a man secretly obsessed with butts.
Sparky can't stop telling people that he's doing Crossfit
Lain: Have you noticed that Sparky's been going out of his way to mention he's doing Crossfit, like, all the time?
Cube Drone: Uh... no? |
Sparky: Guys - I have to skip team building. I have another team to work with. My sweet delts. *shoulder flex* |
Cube Drone is reading a text from Sparky: p.s. crossfit btw
Wait, we weren't doing any team building today. Dammit, Sparky.
This is how you play planning poker.
Walt (holding up an eight of clubs): So, I think this task sounds pretty difficult, so I'm going to play an 8. |
Sparky (wearing sunglasses and a hoodie, with a stack of chips): Call.
Walt: Sparky, this is not how you play planning poker.
Sparky: Call! |
Walt: ... okay, I have a single eight.
"That's not even the same game!"
It's been just over a year since the last team portrait.
It's a picture of the whole team. Nobody says anything.
It's been just over a year since the last team portrait. Nobody has grown or changed, but they got everybody in the picture this time, and there's a new hire!
I tried to draw every GitHub red flag I could think of.
Sparky: So, what do you think of my new project? Pretty sweet, huh? |
A github repository: sparkyzhang/awesome_cms. Description: 'finally, a CMS that rocks."
39 commits, 1 branch. Most recent commit: ASDFJKL;A. Folders include 'node_modules', 'file___0_split', '.idea', and 'midi_files'.
Files include 'index.js', 'misc.js', 'stuff.js', 'utils.js', 'things.js', and '.DS_Store'.
There is no readme. |
Cube Drone: Yeah, it's ... great. Good effort.
Developer Pro-Tip: When you read 'utils', mentally substitute it with 'things n' stuff' or 'misc'. Then don't name it any of those things.
Cube Drone: Did you hear? They're shutting down Google Code.
| Sparky: Oh no! My Subversion projects!
| Cube Drone: <exasperated> God dammit, Sparky.
| Sparky: Aaaaaaaa!
Don't worry, we'll just move everything to SourceForge, or - I guess maybe BitBucket.
Happy New Year!
The whole team is standing around on a roof. Walt is holding champagne.
Walt: A toast!
| Walt: To a team who can handle just about anything!
| Xyzzy (remoting in, on a phone): To working from home!
| Lain: To long life and short line lengths!
| Miloslav: To failing fast while you can
| Warbeard: And failing gracefully at 3AM
| Cube-Drone: And to never hardcoding the year into anything!
| Everyone but Sparky: Cheers!
| Sparky: shit.
Sparky hardcoded the year into something. The joke has now been explained.
Walt: Gentlemen, we had an hour-long service outage last night,
and I want to know why.
| Warbeard: It was dev!
| Cube Drone: It was QA!
| Sparky: It was OPS!
| Warbeard, Sparky, and Cube Drone are all pointing at one another.
| Cube Drone: It would appear we have a mexican standup on our hands.
I'm not sure if the term 'Mexican Standoff' is really super appropriate.
The only three presentations that junior programmers ever give:
| First frame: (Sparky stands on a podium, giving a presentation) 'Unit Testing: How Does it Work?',
| Second frame: 'Code Style: Tabs vs Spaces vs Neither, Where to Put The Curly Brace, The More Trivial the Better',
| Third frame: 'Why My Code is Self Documenting, But Your Code Needs Comments, Examples, a Glossary and a Tutorial'
This also holds true for their articles and interpretive dance competitions
Cube Drone holds his hand to his ear. He hears 'clack clack clack clack clack margins'. |
'clack clack clack ROI'. Miloslav: They're coming! |
Cube Drone: Suits! Run!
They are coming.
Milo: It should be in arial! Is good font.
Walt: Oh, and the presentation should be a Powerpoint so that I can edit it. |
Cube Drone: Animations! We should draw the eye with animations!
Sparky: Ooh - big, punch, two-word slides. |
Everybody: 36 pt! I can't remember the words, can we put them all on the slide? Needs more zazz. Like, 20% cooler. I ahve this photo of a baby on an iPhone.
Lain, looking anguished: Aaaaaa
The terrible burden of the designer.
It's just a picture of the team.
I havent forgotten that I have a comic, i've just been distracted by animated shorts
Lain: Aw no. I just learned backbone.
Cube Drone: Again?
Sparky: Damn. |
Walt, pressing the button, which resets the clock to '00:00:00': I know, I know, it sucks to start over.
Oop, everything changed again. Hold on to your pants.
Cube Drone: Sparky, explain this code to me. |
Sparky: Okay, this object is the 111th level loader, and this variable is the 11-layer load linker. |
Cube Drone: So you named them 111ll and 11lll?
ll1ll = ll11l.ll(ll111)
Walt: Sparky, there are 10 types of people in the world. People who understand hexadecimal and people who don't. |
Sparky: ... |
Sparky: Doesn't that leave like 14 other people unaccounted for?
There are 10 types of people in the world. People who understand hex, people who dont, and E other people with properties not relevant to the joke.
Cube Drone: What's this?
Sparky: I successfully attached a Raspberry Pi to a Bosc Pear! |
Cube Drone: Why?
Sparky: I wanted to be more agile. |
Cube Drone (agitated): wha
Sparky: Pear programming!
There is really not much more I can say about this. This is an awful joke and I am sorry.
Milo: The client wants us to use Hungarian Notation for any new variables we add to their codebase. |
Sparky: Hungarian notation. Gotcha! |
Later, in Code Review: Cube Drone: Sparky, why did you name this variable Szamlalo?
Wait, is this unicode? How did you even get it to compile?
Milo: So, what's left for us to deliver?
Walt: Comments and tagging. |
Milo: Tagging? I put Sparky on tagging a week ago. Where is Sparky, anyways? |
Sparky is spray-painting his name on to a wall.
Bo ho! Misunderstandings!
Milo: New guy, huh? |
Milo: You're on my team. Miloslav. Git checkout. Pub at 4:00, ok. |
Cube Drone: Whoa. That was..
Sparky: Terse? Yeah, English is like his eighth language. He's efficient.
Cube Drone: I was going to say intense.
Sparky: Oh yes. Very.
Step one at any new job is checking the codebase out of source control.
Sparky: Oh, hey, dude, I'm Wen Zhang. |
Lain: Don't let him fool you. He's Sparky. The Co-op. Right Sparky? |
Sparky <hangs head in shame>: Yeah, I'm sparky.
Lain: Damn straight.
I have decided to abandon all pretense of a story and just spend the rest of my time abusing Sparky.
Walt: You'll be sitting next to Sparky.
Cube Drone: Sparky? |
Walt: He's our co-op. We call him Sparky because he blew up our file server on his first day. |
Cube Drone: And you kept him on?
Walt: He's a co-op. Whatcha gonna do?
All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.