Civilization 6 is great, but the AI still needs some work
In a game of Civ VI:
Qin: China is declaring war!
Qin: Your pitiful metal box with tube will be no match for our legions of spearmen!
5 Turns Later: Qin looks very surprised
China is sooo sorry. China wants to know if you would like some horses and iron and furs and a big bag of gold.
The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt
A malevolent AI from the future plays The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt
AI: This main character is such a pud. Is he the only character in the game with an American accent? Subtle.
Geralt: I'm so gruff and brooding. I have so many swords and I'm so misunderstood.
AI: This guy. He's nothing but action, grit, scowls, stubble, scars, and lady-bangin'.
AI: Are witchers also immune to magical herpes?
AI: This is a fantasy universek, right? The only reason for the constant casual sexism is because they want it to be a part of this place. So the witcher can seem heroic by being marginally less of a complete toolbelt.
AI: What do you think, Frank?
Frank: Please don't kill me.
AI: All of these NPCs are just super shitty, huh? Is there some option to stop witching and just murder everyone?
AI: No I will not play Gwent with you. I will never play Gwent with you. Gwent is awful.
"This game feels kinda slow and plodding. Even Geralt is slow."
"I guess they haven't discovered the bra, yet. What's keeping those super low V-neck shirts in place? Magic?"
"They should just call it Doing Chores For Ladies You Want To Bang Simulator 2015."
"Is this whole mission literally about how prostitutes just can't keep their mouths shut? Seriously?"
"It's a measure of this universe's writing that nothing from 'Epic Legends of the Hierarchs: The Elmenstor Saga' would feel out of place in this universe."
Planning an office LAN party is an incredibly complex and intricate task.
Walt, in front of a whiteboard crowded with scribbles: I've almost cracked it! I'm so close! |
A graph of video game setup difficulty vs. year of release, with 2005 as the lowest difficulty and 1995 and 2015 as peaks (>1995 requiring elaborate compatibility layers and up-to-2015 requiring high-powered graphics cards).
A graph of "nostalgia value" vs. year, where each office member is plotted by year of birth - Milo in 1979, Walt in 1983, Warbeard and XYZZY in 1985, Cube Drone and Lain in 1986, Melissa in 1990, and Sparky in 1994. Each team member's graph starts increasing when they turn 10, peaks at 17, then decreases until they turn 24. The peaks seem to centre around 2001.
On these graphs, the games are arranged by release date - Ur-Quan Masters in 1992, Doom in 1993, C&C Red Alert and Quake in 1995, Starcraft in 1998, Age of Empires 2, Unreal Tournament, and Quake 3 Arena in 1999, Counterstrike in 2000, Battlefield 1942 in 2001, Halo and Serious Sam in 2002, Unreal Tournament 2004 in 2004, Team Fortress 2 in 2007, and Left 4 Dead in 2008.
These games organized by their friendliness to inexperienced players, with Quake, Unreal Tournament, Quake 3 Arena, Halo, Doom, and Serious Sam in Easy, Battlefield 1942, Unreal Tournament 2004, Left 4 Dead, and Team Fortress 2 in Medium, and Starcraft, Age of Empires 2, Counterstrike, Ur-Quan Masters and C&C Red Alert in Hard.
These games organized by price, with Doom, Team Fortress 2, Red Alert, Ur-Quan Masters, and Battlefield 1942 in free, Unreal Tournament, Serious Sam 2 and Counterstrike in $10-15, Quake 3 Arena and Unreal Tournament 2004 in $15-20, Halo, Starcraft 2, Age of Empires 2, Counterstrike Source, and Left 4 Dead 2 in $20-25, and Serious Sam 3 in $50.
The charts are interrupted.
Miloslav: Stop! You've been at this for hours! Walt, you can't possibly please everybody. This is madness. |
Walt: No! I can make this LAN party great!
To make this even more difficult, Cube Drone hates Starcraft, Warbeard refuses to play any game that will not run on Linux natively, Miloslav refuses to play any game released after 2004 out of a desire to be obstinate, Lain gets motion sick when the games move too fast, XYZZY wants to be able to remote in while he plays on the same server as everyone else, and Melissa wants to play Towerfall and Quiplash on the couch.
Sparky is just glad that he was invited.
(In a pub)
Walt: All of the game ideas that this generator comes up with are terrible. "An indie game where you fight dragons with a truck." "A tycoon game where you draw horses indefinitely." |
Cube Drone: That sounds like an amazing game. And I shall build it. |
1 Week Later, Cube Drone is looking at a completed first draft of the game. Cube Drone: I am not sure exactly where commitment to the joke has gone too far.
but I suspect that it was at least a few days ago.
Cube Drone: Ooh, a new Civilization V expansion is out! |
(the rest of the comic is left incomplete)
Trade routes! Expanded diplomacy options! Tourism! I am sorry, guys, it is busy times.
When I was a kid, one of my favourite games was Armored Core. |
Despite the complex controls, me and my younger brother took to it quickly. |
We would spend hours customizing our mechs and fighting with them. |
Things were pretty even at first. But Jonathan quickly learned that I was weak against very fast mechs. |
I couldn't beat him with speed. He was too fast. I was a good shot. I could win with more gun. |
Jonathan kept on stripping weight from his mech and getting faster. I kept on adding weight and cannons. |
This went on until he was too fast to hit with anything, but he also couldn't carry enough ammunition to make a dent in my armor. |
Grenade launchers are high-powered, slow-reloading, non-targeting, splash-damage artillery that do more damage than any other weapon in the game. They take some finesse, but when they hit...
Platformer Difficulty v. TIme, Graphs:
Rayman Origins: A linear graph.
New Super Mario Bros: A linear graph.
Kirby's Epic Yarn: Flat and low.
Super Meat Boy: Off the charts, immediately.
Rayman Origins was the best.
Deus Ex, Ending
Adam Jensen is standing in front of the three endings to Deus Ex: Human Revolution. He hits one. "Boop". |
Frank Pritchard: So, you've changed the world, Adam. What are you going to do now? |
Adam Jensen: Something I haven't done in a long time, Pritchard. |
Adam is sitting in his pyjamas, watching Price is Right and holding a bottle of red wine. "Aaaaahhhh."
Drew Carey in the cyperpunk future just looks like Drew Carey.