There should be a professional association for developers!
Walt: There need to be professional associations for software developers - like doctors, lawyers, and engineers have. We could keep frauds and incompetents out and build trust in our professionalism and skill.
Milo: The word does not need more walls, my friend. Code is for everyone.
An explosion happens behind the two of them.
Sparky: Guys, I'm not sure what a fork bomb is, but I can tell you that our microwave is broken and we need new forks.
Milo: Almost everyone.
Everybody trusts lawyers, right?
According to Myers Briggs, I'm an ENQM.
Walt: Has everybody got their Meyer-Brigg test results?
Lain: Yeah. I'm an "ICC". Introspective Cold-Cut. I like quiet walks and America's Favourite Bologna.
Milo: I'm a Justicar-Thinky-Thick-Carved-Ham.
Warbeard: Mine just says "Probable Arsonist"
Lain: Walt, I am concerned that you may have cheaped out on the personality tests.
Walt: Eh, it's not any less scientific this way.
One of my longest-standing pet peeves is the office personality test. It's meaningless office-astrology.
The trick is to take team-building seriously but not TOO seriously
Cube Drone: Our team building exercise is just a picnic? Laaame.
Sparky: Oh - I guess you wouldn't know - Walt can get a bit ... uh... competitive.
Laser Tag - Winter 2015: Walt has his foot on Sparky's chest, a laser tag gun pointed right between his eyes.
Walt: You feel lucky, punk?
Go Karts - Summer 2015: Walt has spraypainted his mouth silver.
Walt: Witness Me!
A lot of my recent comics have had violence as the punchline. I'm going to try to tone that down a little and focus more on hijinx. Lojinx. Various jinxes.
Vendor code can be tricky. I have a solution.
Melissa: So, post-mortem for last night's outage. I've contacted the vendor and they've promised to push a hotfix soon.But I have a different solution. Walt - take this card. On the card is an address. Take this package to the address. Then run.
Walt: I was almost convicted of domestic terrorism after that glitter bomb you had me deliver, Mel.
Melissa: It's not glitter.
Walt: What is it, then?
Melissa: Glitter and bees!
I've spent this week establishing Warbeard and Melissa as powerful, wise, dangerous, and a little unbalanced. Like.. owls made of lithium.
This is a strange joke.
Walt: We have reason to believe that we may have been hacked. One of our file-servers has filled up with pictures of beautiful young animated men kissing!
Lain: It's Yaoi.
Milo: How do you know what it's cal-
Lain: Ha ha I hear those dirty hackers love the stuff!
I think maybe Lain did it.
Where is Milo from, anyways?
Walt: Ok, what are the odds on Ukraine?
Milo: What are you people doing?
Walt is standing in front of a board labelled "Where is Milo from?" with odds on Ukraine, Russia, Uganda, Survivor, Ancient Babylon, Blurgoslavia, and Alternate Universe
Walt covers the board with his body.
Walt: Uh... sprint stuff.
Cube Drone: Burndown.
Walt: Agile processes.
Walt squeaks his body across the board, wiping it off.
If you hold an agile event in the desert, do you call it "Burndown Man"?
Hit by a bus
Cube Drone: Whenever you warn us about losing a developer, you say "Imagine they were hit by a bus." Why is it always a bus?
Milo: Shhh... they'll hear you.
A bus smashes through the whiteboard.
Walt: They've found us! Scatter!
Milo, holding a large steel pipe: Not today, bus! Not today.
this summer... UNIVERSAL SERIAL BUS
Binary search your feelings. You know it to be true.
(The crucial scene from The Empire Strikes Back)
JIRA: If you only knew the power of the GANTT chart. Walt never told you what happened to your project.
Cube Drone: He told me enough. He told me YOU killed it.
JIRA: No. I am your project!
Cube Drone: No... no... that's not true. That's impossible!
JIRA: Search your feelings! You know it to be true.
Cube Drone: NOOOOOOO!
JIRA: You can destroy the CEO. He has foreseen this in his spreadsheets. It is your destiny. Join me, and together we can rule the company as project and project manager!
JIRA: Come with me. It is the only way.
Our CEO bought us a book...
The crew are carrying travel gear like backpacks and bags.
Walt: Man, this kickoff is going to be great! Did you all read that book the CEO bought us? I hear he's lined up a talk from the author!
Cube Drone: The one with the graph on the cover that looked like a butt?
Cube Drone: Oh yeah! I totally read it. I am going to agile managementize the hell out of my paradigms.
Lain: I actually read it and it was hot garbage from end to end.
Milo: I found the book very useful. It is cold in my cabin this time of year.
Sparky: We got a book?
Windy Pillows is talking in front of a crowd.
Windy: I am being paid handsomely to be here. Let's look at some stock photography while I read to you from my book.
A Venn Diagram that looks like a butt.
A series of arrows that look like a butt.
A slide selling his next book, "Agile Software Systems" with another butt on the cover.
Windy: As you can see, I spend a lot of my time thinking about Agile.
I chose the name Windy Pillows because it evokes a windbag, and also because it is a fart joke, and also a good name for a man secretly obsessed with butts.
Highest priority comic
CEO: Every ticket in our system is high priority! We need a new, even higher priority in order to communicate which tickets are most important!
Walt: Why not just use the existing low and medium priority settings?
CEO: Nothing is medium priority! Everything I want you to do is important!
Years Later: CEO: Every ticket in our system is super double infinity X2 critical priority! We need a new, even higher...
The newest priority is just "MY FACE IS MELTING AAAAAAGH"
Your BIG DATA is not so big
Walt: So, after a look at our customer's big data needs, how many servers do you think we're going to need to provision?
Warbeard: Um... one?
Walt: But they have thousands of customers and gigabytes of data. We're planning a whole orchestrated Hadoop cluster!
Warbeard: A 1U blade server can be equipped with 800 Gigabytes of RAM and 24 cores for less than we charge for two weeks of consulting.
Warbeard: We could fit all of the data our customer generates in 10 years on a blade without ever writing to disk.
Warbeard: I've seen that look on your face before. We should still write to disk. Non-negotiable.
Alternate Titles: 'Small Data', 'Blades of Steel', 'Dodge RAM'.
Continuous Delivery is important. Also fiber.
Walt: Ugh. We froze production a for a week and now the deployment is taking forever. There's a tonne of changes to push out. Somehow there is code in master that is not ready to be deployed.
Melissa: That's why we keep our deployments regular. If we don't deploy every day our deployments get hard, strained, uncomfortable, and they take forever.
Melissa: Come to think of it, we'd have the same problems if our office didn't have fiber.
I really struggled with the title for this one. I cycled through Continuous Delivery, TeamShitty, and even putting all of the cards on the table with Thinly Veiled Poop Joke.
Watch out for turkey blockers.
Walt: There we go. Thanksgiving GANTT chart. I've got gravy blocked on turkey and the whole thing estimated down to the minute. Mmm. Feels good. |
Cube Drone: Wait, you celebrate American thanksgiving? Walt: Yeah, I have family just over the border in Washington. |
Walt: Every year they tell me that Obama is a muslin and I try to work in as many fabric puns as I can all evening. Nobody ever gets them. Hail satin.
Walt's still a project manager, though, so he's using three different ovens to cook the turkey thrice as fast.
Sometimes software can be frustrating.
Cube Drone is working on a project. Attempt 3: Fail. Attempt 14: Fail.
Cube Drone: Breathe deeply. You are getting paid. Calm down. You must not get frustrated. Frustration is the mind killer. You can't tie your self-worthto the success of your software career. Adequate documentation is unreasonable to expect from internally developed software. Exercise your calm.
Attemps 36, 37, and 38: Fail, fail, fail.
Walt: Hey there, buddy. Where's your laptop?
Cube Drone: Oh, hey there, Walt! Definitely I didn't smash it with a hammer. Not me. No sirree.
You're also in a comic that nobody reads!
Native mobile app development might not be the future for indie devs.
Cube Drone: We're not doing native app development anymore?
Walt: It's just too expensive! |
Walt: Development costs are high, getting users to install our app is almost impractically difficult and expensive, and once we have those users, converting them into paying customers is nigh impossible! |
Cube Drone: So what are we selling now?
Walt: STICKERS! (Walt is holding up a sign that says 'store.cube-drone.com buy now!')
Patreon subscribers get stickers too!
Okay, so you have 100 floors and 2 eggs...
Walt: Interview question: you are given two eggs and access to a 100-story building. What is the most efficient way to determine the highest floor from which you can drop an egg and it will not break. |
Interviewee: Easy, I brought eggs from home. Watch this.
Walt: Wait, why did you bring... |
Interviewee: Oh, look, the answer is less than one. *splort*
Walt: Our floor!
This is a common interview question - and not a great one, in my opinion, because it's more of a long-form high school math problem than it is a programming problem. The correct answer involves producing and then solving the formula for triangular numbers.
The even correcter answer involves basic knowledge of eggs: they will not survive even a one floor drop.
The better answer still is to not work for the company that is asking silly math questions to try to measure your programming ability.
Although I would award definite style points for "Buy 5 more eggs and do a binary search: my time is worth more than the cost of 5 eggs."
Bad halloween puns about programming? I've got 'em.
Walt, in a vampire costume: Lain, I'm not sure if I get your costume. Heavy load? Lead weight? |
Lain, wearing a grey costume that reads 1000Kg on the front: Oh, I've been waiting for someone to ask all day! |
Lain: I'm a singleton!
This is how you play planning poker.
Walt (holding up an eight of clubs): So, I think this task sounds pretty difficult, so I'm going to play an 8. |
Sparky (wearing sunglasses and a hoodie, with a stack of chips): Call.
Walt: Sparky, this is not how you play planning poker.
Sparky: Call! |
Walt: ... okay, I have a single eight.
"That's not even the same game!"
Comics are back!
Cube Drone: Hey guys! I'm back from vacation, rested, and ready for action! |
Cube Drone: I hope you didn't miss me too much.
Milo: You left? |
Cube Drone looks crestfallen.
I think I caught a cold while I was in Paris. I can tell because I've been coughing up entire croissants.
Vancouver Startup Week WOO
September 21 to 27, 2015
Vancouver Startup Week
Fellating Angel Investors: Your Guide to the Shaft of Modern Venture Capital
Free Labor: Hackathons and You
0 to 10: Making Numbers go Up
VR! Unstable! Experimental! Cool as Shit! |
Walt: Let's see... meaningless awards, crowdfunding: an intro to making videos with soft timpani music, the internet of things: gateway to a horrible future...
Cube Drone: Jeez, they're going super honest this year.
I was genuinely surprised by how much bile I have for events of this nature.
Planning an office LAN party is an incredibly complex and intricate task.
Walt, in front of a whiteboard crowded with scribbles: I've almost cracked it! I'm so close! |
A graph of video game setup difficulty vs. year of release, with 2005 as the lowest difficulty and 1995 and 2015 as peaks (>1995 requiring elaborate compatibility layers and up-to-2015 requiring high-powered graphics cards).
A graph of "nostalgia value" vs. year, where each office member is plotted by year of birth - Milo in 1979, Walt in 1983, Warbeard and XYZZY in 1985, Cube Drone and Lain in 1986, Melissa in 1990, and Sparky in 1994. Each team member's graph starts increasing when they turn 10, peaks at 17, then decreases until they turn 24. The peaks seem to centre around 2001.
On these graphs, the games are arranged by release date - Ur-Quan Masters in 1992, Doom in 1993, C&C Red Alert and Quake in 1995, Starcraft in 1998, Age of Empires 2, Unreal Tournament, and Quake 3 Arena in 1999, Counterstrike in 2000, Battlefield 1942 in 2001, Halo and Serious Sam in 2002, Unreal Tournament 2004 in 2004, Team Fortress 2 in 2007, and Left 4 Dead in 2008.
These games organized by their friendliness to inexperienced players, with Quake, Unreal Tournament, Quake 3 Arena, Halo, Doom, and Serious Sam in Easy, Battlefield 1942, Unreal Tournament 2004, Left 4 Dead, and Team Fortress 2 in Medium, and Starcraft, Age of Empires 2, Counterstrike, Ur-Quan Masters and C&C Red Alert in Hard.
These games organized by price, with Doom, Team Fortress 2, Red Alert, Ur-Quan Masters, and Battlefield 1942 in free, Unreal Tournament, Serious Sam 2 and Counterstrike in $10-15, Quake 3 Arena and Unreal Tournament 2004 in $15-20, Halo, Starcraft 2, Age of Empires 2, Counterstrike Source, and Left 4 Dead 2 in $20-25, and Serious Sam 3 in $50.
The charts are interrupted.
Miloslav: Stop! You've been at this for hours! Walt, you can't possibly please everybody. This is madness. |
Walt: No! I can make this LAN party great!
To make this even more difficult, Cube Drone hates Starcraft, Warbeard refuses to play any game that will not run on Linux natively, Miloslav refuses to play any game released after 2004 out of a desire to be obstinate, Lain gets motion sick when the games move too fast, XYZZY wants to be able to remote in while he plays on the same server as everyone else, and Melissa wants to play Towerfall and Quiplash on the couch.
Sparky is just glad that he was invited.
Smart and Gets Things Done are not the only hiring guidelines
Walt: We're hiring for Smart and Gets Things Done. |
Lain: I feel like those shouldn't be our only criteria.
Walt: What are we missing? |
Lain: How about "not likely to burn the company to the ground in a fit of rage", "hygienic", and "able to communicate without accidentally cramming both hands in their mouth".
I keep trying to communicate without accidentally cramming both my hands in my mouth but it keeps MRRPFH MMPH MRPFH
There are only two hard things in Computer Science
Miloslav: There are only two hard things in Computer Science. |
Walt: Cache invalidation and naming?
Miloslav: What? No. |
Miloslav (flexing his biceps): These!
This started out as a butt joke but it was harder to draw well.
With everything in the cloud, the server room can be repurposed.
Cube Drone walks by a server room that's whirring and gurgling. |
Cube Drone: Hey, Walt, I didn't know we had a server room. Aren't we entirely on cloud services?
Walt: Yeah, but Milo says there's still equipment we need in there. |
Milo is operating a moonshine still out of the server room.
My friends and I wrote this joke about two years ago and it's been sitting in my joke bin ever since. Waiting. For the right moment.
Be careful with conference calls...
CEO: It's important! Our competition is coming. Our competition is coming hard... |
<the CEO on a conference call with the Cube team>: And our competition is coming fast.
Cube Drone: Oh god not in my face! |
Walt angrily mutes the conference call.
Getting the visual language for this joke right was surprisingly difficult. It involves a lot of cutting from place to place. I hope it comes together.
Have you ever heard of synesthesia?
Walt: Have you ever heard of synesthesia? |
Cube Drone: The lost Russian princess?
Melissa: The person who does my hair and nails? |
Walt: Wait, what?
Cube Drone: The stuff they use to knock you out during surgery?
No, that's Anastasia.
No, that's an aesthetician.
No, that's anaesthetic.
How to decipher dress codes. Hammer pants optional.
How Formal is Formal? A guide for confused programmers who plan to dress like traditional businessmen. |
Casual: Wear whatever your damaged mind desired. Beach jorts! |
Business-Casual: Like "office", but you can trade out any single item for a casual item. (Miloslav is wearing a collared shirt, nice shoes, and hammer pants.) |
Office: Collared shirt. Slacks. Leather shoes. Argyle optional but encouraged. |
Informal/Business: Surprisingly, suit and tie. |
Semiformal/Wedding: Suit and tie or tuxedo. You decide! |
Black Tie/Formal: Full tuxedo. Cufflinks. Cummerbuns. Bo-tie. |
Creative Black Tie: Tuxedo, but also a dinosaur hoodie that covers your face. |
White Tie: Tuxedo with top hat and tails. (Xyzzy: I feel like a circus ringleader.) |
Ceremonial: Maximum fanciness levels achieved. (The President of the Internet wearing a crown, cape, and medals on top of a three-piece suit. )
PAX: Steven Universe costume.
It's been just over a year since the last team portrait.
It's a picture of the whole team. Nobody says anything.
It's been just over a year since the last team portrait. Nobody has grown or changed, but they got everybody in the picture this time, and there's a new hire!
The fix is in! It's (unsurprisingly) Melissa!
Walt: ... and on Thursday, our new Build Engineer will be joining us.
Lain: Wait, we had 3 people who were applying for that. Who'd we get? |
Melissa Nguyen: Continuous Integrator, Ruby Expert, Arduino Hacker, Foodie. What about the other two? |
Athena: Stopped returning our calls when she found out our build was 40,000 lines of Bash. |
Sheik: Much better offer from Amazon
That terrible Bash thing is derived from a true story that is also terrible. The brave buildsman responsible is still alive, but at what terrible cost to his sanity?
Here are some of my thoughts on hiring...
So, lately, I've been reading a lot about how traditional culture-fit and whiteboard interviews tend to produce monocultures, very little useful data, and often choose confident air-bags, people who are great at "gotcha" puzzles and language minutiae, and great culture fits over shy-but-awesome people.
So here's a process that might work. Take with a grain of salt.
Create a list of skills that you feel would be valuable to the team. ("Android Development", "Conflict Resolution", "Ability To Eat Many Hot Dogs") For each skill, decide which member of your team would be best equipped to evaluate that skill.
For each skill, have the subject-matter-expert on your team prepare two to three open-ended non-trivia questions about that skill. ("How many hot dogs would you say that you can eat?" "Describe a time when you have eaten many hot dogs.")
Prepare a five-point scale for every skill, with a loose definition of what a person should be expected to know for each point on the scale.
Pick a language that nobody has ever programmed in, ever, like Rust, Eiffel, O'Caml, or M.
Choose a trivial problem space that is very well defined, like "Scoring Poker Hands", or "Scoring Yahzee".
Think of a single thing to change about the problem space, after the fact. "2s are now wild".
Let your prospective candidate know every step in the hiring process from the get-go, with a friendly chat with the team lead that lasts at least 30 minutes.
Have the candidate take home a copy of every open-ended question, as well as a description of the problem space. Ask them to produce a library, with documentation, in Obscure Language, that allows users to solve problems in that space. Try not to allow the candidate more than one day to work on the library.
Have every member of your team look at the library. Score each library on how easy it is to learn to use, how flexible it is, how easy it would be to adapt the code to account for the change in the problem space, and how easy the code itself is to understand.
If the library meets the criteria, bring the candidate in for the interview. Grouping by team-mate, have the subject-matter-experts ask their prepared questions. Estimate their skill using the rubrics.
Have two team-mates ask the candidate questions about their library, asking how they would change the single thing about their problem space, and to talk about any technical decisions that they made.
To get a lot of useful baseline data, perform this series of steps on all of the people in your current team (making sure to ensure them that their jobs aren't at risk).
That opening is the longest run-on sentence I've included in a comic in ever. Yugh. I apologize, everyone. Doubly for the "scare quotes". Yeesh.
It's hard to be diplomatic about bad code.
Walt: Hi! I've looked over the codebase, and it seems like it was written to be a quick-to-market prototype, which seems like it's worked well for your company so far.
Translation: Your code is just shit. |
Walt: If your goal is still to get the MVP out the door as soon as possible, we can help you with that, but it might lead to some nasty surprises down the road.
Translation: We will do what you want, because you're paying, but the result is on you. |
Walt: Some of our proposed changes might not seem like they're necessary for an early release, but trust me - even a small investment in these things can save our butts down the road.
Translation: Some of the things you want to do will be impossible without a complete rewrite of this crap tornado.
Look, your entire codebase is one PHP file and an 18000-line switch statement. You're saving passwords in cleartext, and saving everything to one giant document in MongoDB, which the client can access at will. We need to find the last person who worked on this codebase and burn them in effigy. It's the only way.
I'm pretty sure this is an accurate diagram of Openstack's architecture.
Walt: I think Cube Drone's been modifying our architecture diagrams on our wiki. |
The second panel is a vast, sprawling architecture diagram marked 'openstack'. Nodes include 'insecure dev box with public facing ports', 'tinder', 'grinder', 'Miami Heat', 'Vancouver Symphony Orchestra', 'Keystone', 'Keystone Lite', 'Keystone XL', 'Castle Black', and 'Not Implemented Yet'. |
Milo: No, my friend. That is just what Openstack is like.
It's like ra-i-aaaaaaaaaaaaaain
On your wedding day
Warbeard: So you're here for the UI Designer role? Lots of... Photoshop, I guess?
Applicant: Actually, I imagined it would be more wireframing and InDesign.
| Miloslav: How would you reverse a linked list in C?
Warbeard: What's the linux command to check file permissions?
Applicant: I... Uh...
Walt: So he couldn't even answer simple questions?
Walt: Finding a decent UI designer is going to be way harder than I'd thought.
In their defense, he did bring a blank sheet of paper as his resume.
Walt is looking at his phone.
Cube Drone: Hey, Walt - why did we take a telecom contract?
| Walt: When a lioness chases a herd of antelopes, she doesn't
chase the strong ones - she chases the slow, weak, old ones
who are no longer useful to the pack.
| Cube Drone: So we're the lionesses?
Walt: What? I was just watching Animal Planet on my phone.
We're really more like hyenas.
Walt (to team): We're all on time for standup, except for Cube Drone. He's late.
| Cube Drone parachutes in: Ha ha! Parachute!
| Meanwhile, in reality: Cube Drone looking depressed on a city bus.
It would also be fun to get a big wrestling-intro style entrance to a standup.
Walt: However, we do have a new client to announce! We're going to be
developing a new cel-phone support portal for Bellcomcasprint.
Meet your new product manager, Patrick Wendt!
| Patrick Wendt has a pyramidal head. He's surrounded by a cloud of
enterprise words: "SOAP, JIRA, JBOSS, Enterprise, JavaBeans, Ticketing,
GANTT, Waterfall, Eclipse, Factory, Application, Bus Factor, SourceSafe,
WebSphere, Spring, Aspect-Oriented Programming, Inversion of Control Framework,
Centralized, Risk Management, Oracle, JAR, Rational Unified Process, ISO9001,
| Lain: Hey, Cubes, do you know this guy?
Cube Drone: I've never met him. But yes.
Bellcomcasprint: Embracing The Future From Behind
Walt: After numerous texts, messages, emails, and phone calls from one concerned
employee, I'd just like to assure you all that we are not being bought out by a telecom.
| Cube Drone: Yay!
| Miloslav: What? I have stock options.
also one concerned fax, and a few concerned singing telegrams
Walt: Don't think of Apple as some kind of monster.
| Walt: No, think of it more like an amorphous beast with many voices
and opinions who absolutely controls your fate, that you can't
reason or even communicate with. Which is why, in order to guard our
profitability, I have this shrine.
| Five pastel coloured candles in behind an early model iPod.
In comparison, io.js drama seems almost reasonable.
Assembly is still the only option in some environments. It's also popular with some hobbyists for the romance and difficulty of it. Horse.
| C# is like a really nice car that's tied to an enormous, unwieldy anchor.
| *Walt shakes Cube Drone awake* Walt: Wake up, you fell asleep watching conference videos again.
| Cube Drone *obviously groggy*: Perl is like getting hit by a truck.
Look, sometimes it's okay to fall asleep at work. I hope.
A screenshot of a very depressing Google Analytics page, with one lonely user visiting cube-drone.com
| Cube Drone: Come on, man! Share the website with your friends! No, don't go! Nooooooo!
| Soon: Walt: So, we're cancelling the Office Move storyline.
And we're going to really ramp up the pandering. Next week, we're just going to make fun of PHP and Haskell.
Meta comics are not funny.
Red-Haired Woman: So, based on your appearance, I assume you're looking for some sort of... dank pit, or dungeon?
| (Milo, Cube-Drone, and Walt look unimpressed) Walt: I'm not sure if that's really the image we're looking for.
| Red-Haired Woman: But, like, *really* fast internet, right?
| Walt: Oh definitely.
Some of the assumptions you make about programmers are hurtful and wrong and mean. And some of them are correct.
Lain: I've made a sketch of an office floorplan that meets most of our requirements.
| *a nice, spacious floorplan with an eating area, soft seating, private offices, and a water feature*
| Walt: Nice!
| Lain: Do you think we'll find a place like this?
| Walt: Gods no.
This is Vancouver. We'll be lucky if we can find a place with windows AND floors.
Walt: Before we start searching for a new office, let's write down some priorities.
| 15 Minutes Later: A whiteboard filled with options.
* Quiet: 7 pts
* Coffee: 5 pts
* Don't Want to Sit Next to Sparky: 3 pts
* Fortifiable (In Case of Zombies): 1 pt
* Hot Tub: 2 pts
* Treehouse: 1 pt
| Walt: I think we can work with this.
They can't work above a Pinkberry anymore. It's distracting.
Walt: Gentlemen, we had an hour-long service outage last night,
and I want to know why.
| Warbeard: It was dev!
| Cube Drone: It was QA!
| Sparky: It was OPS!
| Warbeard, Sparky, and Cube Drone are all pointing at one another.
| Cube Drone: It would appear we have a mexican standup on our hands.
I'm not sure if the term 'Mexican Standoff' is really super appropriate.
Walt: Attention, everyone! Word around the office is that you guys want some kind of trendy coffee solution, like a pourover or espresso machine. |
Walt: Of course, this company isn't just about chasing trends - it's also about predicting them - which is why what I bought you is great! It has all of the old-fashioned charm of a pourover and the great taste of well-made joe. |
Cube-Drone: He bought us a percolator?
Miloslav: Almost certainly.
We've combined the romance of a pourover with an advanced integrated circuit, providing... okay, it's a coffee maker from 1987
CEO: Our client has decided to use agile, but you have to agree on all of your tasks ahead of time. |
CEO: ...and deliver them by a fixed date. |
Walt: That's just waterfall.
CEO: Nonsense. Now if you could get to work making a detailed chart of project dependencies...
That's just a GANTT chart!
Miloslav (singing): Nothing's fine I'm torn. I'm cold and I'm ashamed, lying naked on the floor. |
Miloslav: Illusion never changed - into something real - I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn. |
Cube-Drone: Why is Miloslav singing Natalie Imbruglia songs?
Walt: Don't worry, this happens any time I put him on more than one project.
This is a very strange comic.
Walt (to Lain): But you're not a real developer, you're a web designer. |
Lain says nothing |
Lain falls over, revealing that she was nothing but a cardboard cut-out the entire time.
Saying that someone isn't a real developer doesn't tell you anything about that person, but it does say an awful lot about you.
Walt: Another woman in gaming has been driven out of her house by anonymous threats.
Lain: That's terrible. |
Walt: It's a good thing that women in programming don't have to deal with that kind of horrible sexism. Right Lain? |
Lain is just glaring at Walt.
(In a pub)
Walt: All of the game ideas that this generator comes up with are terrible. "An indie game where you fight dragons with a truck." "A tycoon game where you draw horses indefinitely." |
Cube Drone: That sounds like an amazing game. And I shall build it. |
1 Week Later, Cube Drone is looking at a completed first draft of the game. Cube Drone: I am not sure exactly where commitment to the joke has gone too far.
but I suspect that it was at least a few days ago.
Walt: So, what he's saying is that, on account of we're on schedule to deliver the project in September, the deadline has been moved to July. |
Walt: This is a transparent attempt to extract more work hours from you. It's bullshit. Keep doing what you're doing and I'll handle the flak. |
Walt: Also, in an attempt to diversify our volume synergies, our bottom floor will now be a Pinkberry.
'Diversify our volume synergies' as a euphemism for 'make more money off of our space'.
Milo: It should be in arial! Is good font.
Walt: Oh, and the presentation should be a Powerpoint so that I can edit it. |
Cube Drone: Animations! We should draw the eye with animations!
Sparky: Ooh - big, punch, two-word slides. |
Everybody: 36 pt! I can't remember the words, can we put them all on the slide? Needs more zazz. Like, 20% cooler. I ahve this photo of a baby on an iPhone.
Lain, looking anguished: Aaaaaa
The terrible burden of the designer.
It's just a picture of the team.
I havent forgotten that I have a comic, i've just been distracted by animated shorts
Milo is looking at himself in a mirror. |
A single grey hair erupts from his widow's peak. 'grey-sploing!'. |
(Back in the office) Walt: Hey, Milo - what did you do to your hair?
Milo is completely bald. Milo: It was holding me back.
Cube Drone: I have this super nice microphone, but the sound quality in my animated shorts is terrible. |
Walt: Are you sure you're recording from your nice microphone and not some other mic?
Cube Drone: Yeah, I'm sure. I mean, what else would I be recording from, the laptop... mic? |
A lock of shock and horror from Cube Drone
A TERRIBLE REALIZATION STRIKES. also a full month between comics is totally appropriate shut up
Lain: Aw no. I just learned backbone.
Cube Drone: Again?
Sparky: Damn. |
Walt, pressing the button, which resets the clock to '00:00:00': I know, I know, it sucks to start over.
Oop, everything changed again. Hold on to your pants.
Cube Drone: Java. Unreadable.
Lain: Perl |
Cube Drone: Lisp. Closures.
Walt: What are they doing?
Milo: Programmer Password.
Cube Drone: Shit show!
Ha ha! Making fun of PHP.
Walt: Hey everyone, gather round! |
Walt: As part of our business model of relentless zeitgeist chasing, it's time to pick on a trendy new technology to focus on for a while. |
Walt spins a giant wheel. Whizzzzz taka taka taka taka.
Every successive generation of trends adds one thing you could never have done before, but then requires that you reinvent dozens of things that you need from the last generation.
Walt: Sparky, there are 10 types of people in the world. People who understand hexadecimal and people who don't. |
Sparky: ... |
Sparky: Doesn't that leave like 14 other people unaccounted for?
There are 10 types of people in the world. People who understand hex, people who dont, and E other people with properties not relevant to the joke.
Cube Drone: Check this out! I built a file encoding program that uses markov chains to convert files into seemingly random paragraphs so that I can use blog comments as a free online file storage system! |
Blog Comments: Enough of that, the restaurant is going to be free, and very powerful. I suspect that my credit card numbers have no card at all. What a waste! I won't even mention the wanton spread of nicknames across America. Now I'm free, free as a big pile of... |
Cube Drone: I... don't know.
George Mallory is famously quoted as answering the question 'Why do you want to climb Mount Everest?' with the retort 'Because its there'.
Milo: So, what's left for us to deliver?
Walt: Comments and tagging. |
Milo: Tagging? I put Sparky on tagging a week ago. Where is Sparky, anyways? |
Sparky is spray-painting his name on to a wall.
Bo ho! Misunderstandings!
Walt: Nah, I'm just joking. |
Walt: You get a $3500 budget to outfit your office. We'll need to see receipts of course. |
Walt: WALT AWAY!
I have always wanted to end a conversation this way but I have never had the nerve.
Walt: And this'll be your computer! |
Cube Drone: ... |
The computer is a very old single-unit computer from 1978
ISTC 5500! Clavier alphanumérique et numérique!
Walt: You'll be sitting next to Sparky.
Cube Drone: Sparky? |
Walt: He's our co-op. We call him Sparky because he blew up our file server on his first day. |
Cube Drone: And you kept him on?
Walt: He's a co-op. Whatcha gonna do?
All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.