#-3 - The Fine Art of Meeting Sabotage

Transcript

[Title: Cube Drone and the Fine Art of Meeting Sabotage]

[Caption: Every efficient meeting has 3 demons that you must slay.]
[List: 1. Agenda 2. Focus 3. Effort]

[Paper: Do stuff!]
[Caption: An agenda is a magical document that tells people in a meeting what they should be doing.]
[Caption: It must be stopped.]

[Caption: If this dreaded document DOES exist, you have to derail it.]
[Caption: A good way to do this is to introduce tangentially related topics into the conversation.]

Dark cube-head: So, we're agreed - the product will be an
Cube Drone: Yeah, but what COLOR should it be?
[100 points!]

[Caption: Inconsequential details, personal chatter, anecdotes, even things that are project-related but off-agenda are great for this.]
[Label: Pro-tip]

[Caption: If you're lucky enough to be the one calling the meeting, do your best to ensure that nobody knows why they are there or how to proceed.]
[Screen: Meeting request. Required: Everyone Subj: Morgan Acct. Just want to gather everybody's input wrt. the Morgan accoun]

[Label: 2. Focus]
[Caption: Once a topic has been decided on, the person discussing the topic needs to have the focus of the room.]
[Label: The presenter]

[Caption: Break focus.]

[Caption: Fiddle with the projector.]
Cube Drone: I think it's still heating up.

[Caption: Fiddle with the bridge.]
Cube Drone: I'm closer to the bridge. Can you hear me now?
Speakerphone: A LIT

[Caption: If at all possible, work with people who are very far away - that way, you can do both.]

[Caption: Present from a device inside a moving vehicle.]
Car: Look, you guys have to admit t the McInley con is completely HEY, BUDDY, I WAS TRYING T TURN - so, compl

[Caption: Use PowerPoint]
[Caption: • Whenever you can • There's nothing quite like slides and bullet points to hide how bad your presentation is. • Remember: always include at least one unreadably long wall of text that people will pay attention to]
[Slide: Bonus: Clip art!]

[Caption: Provide food, or hold the meeting right after (or before) lunch.]
Person: Lunch!
[SFX: Gurgle]
Person: Lunch!
[Box: Pizza Hut]
Person: Z
[Caption: None of these states are productive.]

[Phone screen: Ignore the meeting: Fiddle with your mobile device. Send >]

[Label: #3. Effort]
[Caption: There are lots of ways to ensure a meeting goes more smoothly. Most of these things require foresight + effort.]

[Caption: Setting up the equipment before the meeting]

[Caption: Taking and distributing minutes]
Note-taker: Cube Drone promises to..
Cube Drone: Well, shit.

[Caption: Practicing presentations]
[Board: • Easy to follow • Not boring • Diagrams!]

[Caption: Making sure everybody is prepared for the meeting]
[Paper: Agenda! helpful link!]

[Caption: To sap everybody's effort for this kind of thing, it's best to try to cull keen employees from the herd.]

[no text]

Offscreen: Oh my god! Someone's killed Jenkins!
Offscreen: With some sort of poison-tipped blowdart! What the hell!

[Caption: That concludes the lesson on meeting sabotage...]
[Caption: Except for one crucial warning]

[Caption: Some meetings that are particularly well-populated and serious have a secretary, chairperson, even rules of order to guard the meeting against your unwanted intrusions.]

[Book: Robert's Rules of Order]
[Caption: Run. Run far. Run fast.]

[Caption: The Secretary]
[Caption: • Produces, maintains, and distributes the agenda. • Takes and distributes meeting minutes. • Sets up the equipment. • Books the room. • Brings punch + pie.]

[Caption: The Chairperson]
[Photo: Chair!]
[Photo caption: Bad pun lol]
[Caption: • Shames people who show up LATE. • Guards the agenda • Attempts to move through the agenda items in a timely fashion. • Shushes disruptive people]

[Caption: If these people are involved in your meeting in any way, you have only one last option for meeting sabotage]
[Caption: The nuclear option.]
[Bomb: Little Boy]

Person: Woo!
[Paper: Agenda]
[Caption: Hold it in a pub.]

[Caption: Meeting failed.]
[Caption: Mission accomplished.]

The original site didn't record this comic's date; this one is approximate.