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REVIEW

GREG HUBMANN'S COMBAT GOLF

Brett Doug

We've all been bored by a few golf games in the past. Without the cold brews and the long afternoons with your best buds, golf games end up just leaving you swinging your club around on your lonesome. That's why I'm so excited to tell you about Greg Hubmann's Combat Golf. It's by Linksman, the studio behind a series of much more serious and lame golf simulators, but here they've taken the fruity golf pants off and replaced them with some leather.

I can't believe they got PGA legend Greg Hubmann to sign up for this. Well - maybe I can believe it a little bit. Greg Hubmann is the only player ever thrown out of a PGA tournament for bad behavior.¹ Let me tell you a few things about PGA legend Greg Hubmann:

Greg Hubmann tried to get a drink named after him that was half lemonade, half iced-tea, and then half lemonade again, and then, separately, a full bottle of bourbon whiskey.

Greg Hubmann was removed from the Laurel Anhardy International Open for alleged "indecent acts with the ball-washer".

Greg Hubmann got in a fist-fight with Wallace Shawn when "he wouldn't do the voice." It was later discovered that he had confused Wallace Shawn with Gilbert Gottfried.

Greg Hubmann was arrested for yelling "fore!", then hitting Paul Azinger with a golf cart.²

If anyone's going to lend their game to a golf game like this, it's going to be Greg Hubmann.

Golf With Some Chest Hair

Greg Hubmann's Combat Golf takes place in a post-apocalyptic world where it wouldn't be out of place to see the cast of Mad Max. Instead of road warriors, though, these golfers are duking it out with golf clubs and a wide variety of different kinds of golf balls. The goal is to knock out your opponent's fuel and water tankers before they get yours - which is sort of like shooting for a pin, or a little flag, like in actual golf, but when there are lives on the line, the stakes feel much higher.

It's kind of like a demented GORILLAS.BAS. You're trying to hit them before they hit you!

Your shots also cost a certain amount of gasoline, each, with more powerful balls needing more gasoline to use. Run out of gas too quickly and it's game over!

Regular Shot
This sad little shot with a regular golf ball costs no gasoline, and it just moves you from place to place. Boring!

Unleaded Shot
Now we're cooking with gas! The unleaded shot uses a little bit of gasoline, but it hits with enough force to do a lot of damage if it strikes whatever it's shooting for head on.

Grenade
The grenade shot is quite a bit more expensive, but it also creates a much bigger explosion. Great for those of us who are a little less precise.

Cluster
If your shooting is as accurate as Greg Hubmann's is after a few of his self-named drinks,³ the cluster bomb has your back by being expensive but covering a huge amount of ground.

Napalm
If there are too many obstacles standing between you and your target, you have two options: you can shoot very, very precisely, or you can burn down those obstacles. Napalm is there to help once the diplomatic option has failed.

Nuclear
If you get too far behind, you always have the option to spend all of the rest of your gasoline on the nuclear option, which will utterly obliterate your opponent. I think there's a bug in the game, though - if you choose the nuclear option, the computer will always choose to do the same thing, and you'll end up in a draw where everyone dies.⁴

These shot options are just the exciting bit sitting on top of the golf - there's still all of the same, regular golf game that you might expect. You also have to balance your choice of club, the wind, and the shot details - the difference is just what happens when your ball reaches its destination.

System Requirements

This is a Windows 3.1 game, and won't run without the Windows. It also calls for a 486 or better, as well as 8MB of RAM and SVGA video. It only ships as a CD-ROM, so you'll need at least a 2x speed CD-ROM drive.

There's also a truly unhinged "swing" mode that calls for a ThrustSub Joystick, which I'm not sure if I recommend - it makes the game much harder and I wouldn't say it adds much.

Fully Voiced

They got Greg Hubmann into the sound booth for this one, although he was pretty clearly rockin' a buzz when they were recording, as his lines are often slurred or incoherent. It doesn't hurt the game, though - when you blow up one of your opponent's water tankers, his cheerful, bloodthirsty yell of "You geddem, you hiddat sunofabitch! BOOM!" really brings the game to life!

I've taken to yelling this at my co-workers when they nail a perfect trash-bin alley-oop, which I think they're coming to appreciate.⁵

PROS

• A blast, in more ways than one.

• No fussy 3W/4W/5W crap.

• Lots of shot options.

CONS

• St. Andrews' Swilcan Bridge not as faithfully recreated as expected.

SCORE

9.00

COUNTERPOINT

Trent Contrall: I really wish that Brett would stop yelling his Greg Hubmann impression at me when I sink a "three pointer" in the trash. I have a graduate degree.

Riesling Brandt: With the rising prices of real estate, by 2005 I predict that golf will be replaced by mini golf, and mini golf will be replaced by virtual reality mini golf. Post-apocalyptic combat golf should remain unaffected.

William Henderson: For a game that's putatively about strategic warfare using the trappings of golf, this game was disappointingly spartan. Where are the bunker busters? The infantry? What's the golf equivalent of a Stridsvagn 103?

Haymann Nieschott: The weekend I was supposed to play this, I was attending a golf invitational, but I'm told it's excellent.